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Ann Free Spirit | Synopsis | Mother Francis of Rome | Rev. Fr. Thomas Doyle | We Stand By You Rev. Fr. Doyle | A Letter of Hope | A Little Help Fom a Friend | From a Friend | A Priest Doing God's Work | Innocents was Taken | Mr. Savano | Pope John Paul II | Pope John Paul II | Nun Suddened by the Truth | Shield accused nun | Abuse by nun's hands, not God's | Together we Stand | Priest Abusing Nuns | Next to Godliness.. | First Stirke Out | The New Cardinals | Catholic News Site | The Testament Site | Reaching: Out to Stuart & Paul | A Little Child Stands in Line | A Lonly Little Child | Nobody's Child | Rosary Beads in The Hall | I Give You My Hand In Friendship | When I Hear These Things | One More Nights Sleep | If Only | Humpty Dumpty | I Love You | Don't Let Go Until Tomorrow | My Dearest Lover | The Lonely Rose | How Did I Survive???? | Children Need Love | A Friend is What I Want to Find | I Give You My Hand In Friendship | When the Night Comes | Who Am I??? | There Are So Many Tears | Maria, What I see in You | Re-abuse | You Were Always Here With me | Fear Within 2003 | Elvis!!! | My Life Was Stolen From Me | God Is My Witness | I want My Freedom From My Torment & Pain | Give Me my Time to Heal. | Nuclear War | When the nuns had their fates | How do They Live With Themseleves? | Re-abuse 2002 | We Want Our Faith Back | Spiritual Abuse | My Faith was Strong | Trust was Broken | I Cry Each Day | Bless me Father | Hear our Cries | The nuns Picked on the same children | Apologize to us | Like Saints and Martyrs | Half Truths | Tell The World the Truth | No More Lies | Nun wrongly claimed dead | Hurt so Bad | Acknowledgment & Justice | Innocent Unwanted Children of Nazareth House | My Family | Our Wedding Day 1965 | My Son Robert 1 | My Son Robert II | My Daughter Joanne | My Daughter Rachel | My Daughter Bridget | My Four Grand Children | My Mother's Family | Mother I | Mother I

Nazareth House Cont.

CHURCH.

 

I am in church now. I still find this is the safest place for me. Mary my mother is here and her baby Jesus.

"Mary can you see what they are doing to me?"

"How can they be nuns?"

"They are your-son's brides and you let them do this to me"

 

I would ask Mary and Jesus to take me away with them, because I hurt so much. I asked Mary and Jesus,

"What is wrong with me that I should be hated like this?"

 

I told Mary that I would try to bear the pain for her. so as the nails in Jesus hands and feet don't hurt him so much. I asked Mary and Jesus, to take me before the nuns hurt me again.

 

If I was still here, I knew that I had not suffered enough for them. I would start to cry, I would tell Mary and Jesus that I was sorry for letting them down. I was so mghtened of the nuns and the older girls. I told Mary that I could not take any more of this pain.

 

                              MY FRIEND.

 

One day when I was nineteen years old, I was going to see my mend, Mother Frances of Rome at Mount Magdala. When I had finished work. I did not have to start work until 4 PM that Sunday. Sister Simeon made me wash the floor by myself. She sent the other two girls out. I tried to hurry, because we had ordered a blue star taxi, to go to the other convent. It was a long way to walk, to have any time with the kind nun. When I finished work, I ran up the stairs to have a bath and get ready.

 

The work was very bard, we had to carry big cans of milk from the back door to the fridge. The milk cans were twice the size of the cream cans.

 

I had not seen my mend since I was ten years old, by the time I had finished work. The other two girls had already left. I had not brought my bike then, so I walked and ran there. I got there at 3pm. I was so unhappy, because I thought that I might not see her. She came to the door. OH! how I cried. The joy of seeing her was too much for me.

 

All I ever wanted was a kind word to make me happy. I could see her face light up and see a warm glow about her. She was so kind. When I say kind, I mean that she was nice to me. I felt warm inside when ever she was around us. She was so wonderful, so sweet and so gentle. I thought that her gentleness would soon, take over the bad, but it did not work like that.

 

                          19 TO 24 YEARS.

 

I went back to St. Joseph's Orphanage, which is now called, St. Joseph's Boys Home. To work in the kitchen. I am head cook and I loved it.

 

There are three nuns here and they are so wonderful to me. That I can't believe I am so happy. Mother Adrian, Sister Peter, Sister Muir.

 

I worked with Sister Muir first, then Sister Joseph Kevin, then I worked by myself for a while, the nuns then got another lady from Sunnyside hospital to help me, who would come out for the day then go back in the evening, she did not work on the weekend, she had a son living at St. Josephs after she left another girl came from Nazareth House and Sister Lucilla was good to her. Margaret Hall.

 

I was by myself for a long time cooking for about 40 to 50 boys and 7nuns as well as the 20 to 30 babies. The Boys would come and help me with the dishes after dinner and tea. Sister Lucilla came between the 1962 to 1965 and she put me down so much and say the most horrible things to me, like I was no good, that I could not do anything.

 

She would say this to me every day and all the time. I was in my 20s and I was so hurt about it that I went to Mother Adrian to change my job and that was when I started to do the toilets, beds and helped Sister Peter, this was when I told Sister Peter about Nazareth House but nothing was done about it, so I felt that she did not believe me. She was ok to me.

 

I could not understand why Sister Lucilla was so crnel to me after all I had done everything in the kitchen by myself before she came to work with me. even then I could not stand up for myself against the nuns, they were still right. But now I feel worst because I could not do anything to defend myself. I could not talk back to the nuns/priest.

 

BABIES.

 

At the boys home we have boys and girls, from the age of two to five years. The girls when they are five go to Nazareth House. The same orphanage I use to live in, when I was a child. The boys stay at St. Joseph's until they are 12 years old. Well you would never believe it, there is a lady here looking after the little babies who should not be. WHY?

 

One day on one of my days off, while I was doing my washing, she was taking the babies for a walk and I saw her hitting some of the little ones. I went straight over to her and took the stick off her and hit her with it. I told the nuns. You know she stayed looking after the babies. I couldn't understand why they didn't send her away, when they knew what she was like to the little ones.

 

So I made sure whenever I could that I would keep an eye on her and I told her that if I saw her lay a hand on the babies, that I would kill her and do to her whatever she did to the babies.

The little ones were safe as long as I was around.

 

NIGHTMARES.

 

My bedroom was opposite hers, I would lock my door at night for fear of what I would do to her, for hurting the little babies, who could not defend themselves against her. I used to have bad nightmares and still do.

 

One night I was dreaming that I was standing beside Doreen Taylor's bed, with her big wooden valve radio. It was about one foot long and one and a half feet wide.

 

It was a very heavy radio. There I was with it in my hands and I was dreaming that I was going to kill her. I could hear my name.

 

"Ann!, Ann!, Ann!, wake up, what are you doing?"

I could not believe my eyes in what I saw, my dream was not a dream, it was real. I was going to kill her.

 

I woke up very quickly after that and put her radio down on the table by her bed. Then I told her I was looking for the number on her radio. What made me say that I don't know. From then on I tried to wake up when ever I have any nightmares.

 

The Priests came to say Mass each day, hear our confessions each week. The Priest took the girls who made their First Holy Communion and the Priest would take the girls for their catechism. And also the girls who were making their Confirmation and Children of Mary. When ever they took us for our religious teachings, it was always about the devil and that God hated children who were naughty. That God would send us to hell, bum us in hell. The fear and hate of God was preached and hammered into us every day.

 

How is one expected to forget when one is sent out 4times for adoption and then to be sent back to the orphanages time and time again. Us children who had no parents were lined up each Sunday morning outside for adoption. We would all set up on a long stool and were looked over by adults, as though we were cattle. I would think, here I am don't you see me. The first time I was put up for adoption I was 6years old and then Sdays after I was back again then another girl went to this same family Mandy, she was there for 2months then she too was sent back.

 

Would you believe it another girl went to this same family yet again and Dot they did adopt, for two years she was with this family and she would come back, then go away again this happened though out the years we were at the first orphanage, then at 1 Oyears old she came back for good.

 

After 45years of not seeing each other and meeting Dot and Mandy at Dot's 60th birthday 3rd October 2002, I asked Dot if she knew why the family took me back to the orphanage. It was because I was too quite and shy. Well this really got to me, as I am still quite and shy and I have never hurt anyone. You see, time and time again I knew that no one wanted me and would think that there was something wrong with me, I was a child and the hatred that I was shown by the nuns just want leave me.

 

As I was saying these Nazareth house nuns who lived the lives of kings and queens while we children lived like pig in the pig stiles and fed like them as well, you used us to your advances and may god have mercy on your souls.

 

You killed me so many times by you thrashings of me and you took from me my innocents, you turned me into a shell of a child with no meaning or love to live.

 

I pray that someone somewhere will whisper a prayer to God on my behalf, as I have lost my faith in the Roman Catholic Church, I am now sixty-two years old and only a child in wisdom.

 

Today I still continue to face serious difficulties in establishing my actual identity and contacting members of my natural families who are still alive. The absence of a medical history is also a significant problem for me. I am suffering emotional and physical hardship and abuse, of a kind which has had damaging consequences of my health and well-being for the remainder of my live.

 

"Power to Abuse,"

 

The power of adults to hurt Children remains, I worked like a dog doing laundry in the wash house and other manual labour in the Kitchen.

 

The thrashings of the nuns belts came rushing though my head and my god! how they would keep on gaining more and more strength as they whipped me, never once did they stop for a breath. The pounding of their belts across me back which bled and left their marks did not ~other them at all, It was barbaric; it was dreadful. And they call themselves holy nuns. I have a lot of names for these nuns and they are not holy ones at that.

 

The power the nuns had was to terrorize me in a room as well as the other little kids. How easy to shake, beat, humiliate me of their dark power, secrets, repression, cruelty, lies, and misery .

 

Nuns can and do physically/sexually/emotionally abuse children too and they deserve to be put in the spotlight. I had a sweetness of a little girl without a smile and I was purely innocent. I began to cry and asked why. They slapped me hard across my face and told me not to pretend I didn't know what I had done I was physically/emotionally abuse

 

I was dragged by my ear to the front of the class. I was crying because I was scared because I tried to be a good little girl and didn't know what I had done wrong then to be made to set on a stool to be laugh at by the other girls by Sister Blandina.

 

I was put in a room that wasn't used and told to wait there. I remember looking outside and seeing all the girls laughing and playing and couldn't understand what I did wrong. I , was horribly mistreated by nuns. It is so horribly true that I have been damaged beyond understanding by those I looked up to and trusted. That I lost my trust in them and in the church, even in god is something that I also suffered.

 

The mental illness and the damage that it causes me each day is beyond repair as the Nazareth House nuns had damaged me so much, even to this day.

 

This is about acknowledgement and healing. of sexual, psychological and physical abuse to me in Nazareth House.

 

"What you did to me, physically and psychologically, disturb me, my family and every person I have any type of relationship with for the rest of my life. Your inability to plead 'guilty' demonstrates to me you can't admit what you did, and that makes my ability to move on with my life, as well as forgive you, extraordinarily difficult.

 

How I know my mother came to see me at Nazareth House is that when I found my family in 1997 my brother John sent me a photo of his mother and her sister I got so up set because they were the two women who came to see me and I did not know she was my mother. She was right there with me and I did not know

 

She came to see me when I turned 15years old and brought me a cake which was taken off me cut up and I had to give every one a piece and I never did get to taste it.

 

The nuns told me I was an orphan and my mother was told not to tell me she was my mother, as I was told this by my sisters. They all knew of me and still one of my brothers do not want to have any thing to do with me because of my being born out of wedlock.  You see, I am still on the outside looking in. In 2002 I was told that my mother was raped and I am the result of that raped, she was just 16years old. It hurts me so much when people talk down to me about young girls who are raped and then the boys get off it scot free.

 

As I always say it is the baby who is the one that gets the worst end of it all and the baby has no rights at all. I know because I went though this with the nuns and that is why when they thrashed me, they would say each time that I had my mothers sins in me and I never knew until 2002 when my sister told me about my mother, did I get to know fully why they said that tome.

 

How mean of them to say that to me, I was just a child and each time they said that about my mother I would say to myself.  Mum how can they punish me for you. what have you done for them to treat me this why? I love you Mum. I am hurting so much.

 

I call out because of the pain I am in, it is too great and unless you yourself were treated the same why as me, please do not judge us all with your words. I suffered abuse of all kinds as well as sexual abuse from the age of 18months at the hands of nuns, women, older girls and a priest up to the age of 24years old. Some are so bad that I can not put in writing nor tell any one about them.

 

What gives you the right to be more holy than righteousness as to tell me how bad I am. To be still told now in my gentle years by you, how I have sinned because of telling of the abuse which was done to me, hurts me even worse than being abuse.

 

How dare you judge me and others who had being abuse though out our childhood. Unless you too have had the same life as me, do not judge me, have you not seen on this site what I have put here. I know that god is my judge and I leave it in his hands to deal with these people who abused me, but I need to have these people to hear me. So what is an hour out of their liver to hear me.

 

GIVE ME MY TIME TO TALK AND TELL THEM SO AS I CAN HEAL. And I say again unless you have gone though the same as me, please do not judge me and many of others who have been abuse by nuns and priest. You do not know what I had to endure during these .24years and still now I can not cope with this pain, I need some one to help me to carry my cross as it gets heavy from day to day.

 

Every day there is a reminder of the abuse which the Nazareth House nuns did to me and try as I might to forget it, I can't. To forgive no. I will let Jesus do that, as I can not, He is all forgiving. Jesus I am sure that you know what I am saying here as you saw everything that the Nazareth House nuns did to me, please forgive them as I can not.

 

I am an empty shell, which the Nazareth House nuns left me and to live my life as a normal person should, I can not. Ever day is a struggle for me but as long as I am alive I will do all I can to bring justice to the unwanted abuse children of Nazareth House.

 

Yes each time I talk about the abuse which was done to me or any of us, it is like being abuse again and again and what's more if I see TV, read the papers it brings everything back as if it was today that it happened to me. So please give me my time now, as I put everything to the back of my head to try to forget about it, so now that I have come forward, I want to help others by being their voice, to be heard for them.

 

I was sexual abuse by a priest at the age of 15years old. I can not go to church anymore and it has gotten hard for me since I came forward in 1997. I go to church and when I see the priest I brake down and cry then I leave before anyone see me in this state.

 

Even thou it was just the one time it had taken over my life, you see I was brought up in 2different roman catholic orphanages by nuns. 1st. St Josephs, which was run by the Good Shepard order and the 2nd. Nazareth House, run by the Little Sister of the Poor and/or Little Sister of Nazareth.

 

In these 2 orphanages I was abuse from the age of 18months up to 25years old, my life has been a life of hell and the torment I go though every day because of what the nuns/priest did to me, kills me little by little each day. I was an unwanted child from the time I was conceived in my mothers womb, you see my mother was rapped when she was 15years old, so being a catholic she went though with the pregnant and hence I was born. I found out I had a family in 1993 as the nuns always told me that I was an orphan, so I never look for my family when I left the orphanages.

 

I am so please that justice has being done for Mr. Stokes as he represented all of us who were abuse by nuns and priest and as Mr. Stokes said he did it for everyone who had being abuse.

 

What a guy!

I. can feel how he felt when he was let down with his trail and the priest getting off. You know Maria, when no one takes any notice of what I am telling them I do tend to shout out I am telling the truth.

 

What more do you want from me?

What must I do before you believe me?

I feel what Mr. Stokes did was his last effort to show that priest the wrong he had done to him and Maria what Mr. Stokes said that he felt "outside his body" I had felt when I was growing up in Nazareth House. It was as if! was not there, I was numb when I was getting thrashed, but the pain and hurt I felt so bad. When I was a child being beaten every day and sexual abuse every day it just tore at my heart and when I finial told someone in 1997 and was not believed it hurt me and made me feel even worse about myself. So again I told in 2001 and this time I told my Lawyer and he believed me.


You know, it just takes one person to say I believe you and it makes all the different.  Over the years I told people about the abuse I went though as a child and all I heard was Aye, Such a cold reply to hear from them but now they are listen to me at long last and I know that I am not the only one out there who has had this said to them.


Mr. Stokes. Congratulations on your freedom and justice.

And Blackwell will get what's coming to him and you will soon be able to take him to court to stand trial for what he did to you.

 

My Pet Cat.

 

I have a cat now which I found very sick as a kitten on the road. it was grey and white and grew up to be my watchdog. It would not let anyone past my gate up to the house. One day I found a mother cat and her little kitten. They were sick so I took them to the vet and then brought them into the kitchen by the hot stove.

 

The nun who works with me in the kitchen came in and saw them. She then got a broom and started to hit them with it. I could not let her hurt something that could not fight back for itself, so I took the broom off her and hit her with it. She did not hurt the cats again.

 

Then I vowed that no one would ever touch or hurt me again. I was 24 years old. It was when I saw a little kitten and her sick mother, who could not defend them selves. It was then I said, "No More." No more pain for them and me. It was also then, that I promised myself, that if I ever saw someone who could not defend themselves. I would help them and be there for them.

 

                        TWISTED SPIN.

 

My spin is twisted by being thrown against the walls in the playroom every day and I have arthritis of the spin because of it, it is very painful that sometimes I can not do my house work I do not have anyone to help me and I do need help because I can not do the vacuum cleaning and putting the clothes on the line, these jobs I find very hard to do.

I have earache every day because of the slapping across my face and ears. The pain in my ear is like a hot needle being poked in my ear and I also have very bad migraines, like my head would split open. My eyes are worse now from weeping all the time with sinusitis and my right eye is bad.

 

               TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE AT 19YEARS


I was working for the Greys and I was 19years old, I was taking nightmares every night and crying at night, I did not know what was wrong with me. The nightmares were about Nazareth House nuns/priest, at that time I could not get what happened to me out of my mind and what the priest had done to me,


I did not want to go to Timaru because I though the priest would come again to see me, I never went out. So I broke the big plate in the water and then with the sharp edge of the plate I slashed my right wrist. When I saw all the blood I got frighten so I got a nappy and wrapped it around my arm and then run to the next door neighbours who took me to Timaru Hospital were I stayed for about 2weeks or more. The Dr. kept asking me ifI was committing suicide, I was so scared about what they would do to me, so I kept saying no.


Thank god the priest did not come because I know I would have made a better job of killing myself. When I was on the operation table I could see myself being operated on, I was floating in a bright light looking down at myself. To this day I am sure that I had died away back then, if only the Dr. had left me to die I would not be doing this now.


                                   BOY FRIEND.


It was not until I was 24 years old did I go out with a boy.

From the age of 19 to 23years old. Whenever some one came up to see me at St. Joseph's and especial if it was a boy, the nuns would send them away. I had no life and worked all the time, from early morning until late into the evening.


When I went out with Brian. All I could say was, ''yes please" and "no thank you" I could not say anything else. I did not know what to say nor did I know anything about boys. When ever I went out in the car with Brian and if he put his hand anywhere near me, I would jump out of the car while it was still going.


Brian would sleep in the hedge at the end ofSt. Josephs driveway, then come back the next day still the nuns would tell him I was sick. He walked 25miles to come to see me, he was in the army then so away he would walk home again and come back the next weekend and the same thing would happen every weekend.

 

Brian did not give up, the nuns must have got sick of him coming up so they told me about him and when I went out with him I was so scared that I took 5 other girls with me, I was 23years old and I had never being out with a boy and all I said to him was Yes please and no thank you. I could not speak to anyone. I can not explain to you the fear I had for any adult men/women.

 

After a couple of months, one of the nuns told Brian that I had the sins of my mothers in me as well as the devil and that the nuns had to punish me so that I would not be like my mother,. Brian told me about it and he said that it was to get him to leave me, that it was so horrible what that said that he knew by only knowing me for that short time that what the nuns said was not true.

 

Sister Peter, took Brian aside and told Brian to be vel)' patient with me as I had had a bad upbringing in the two orphanages and I need all the help he could give me, I had told Brian over the years what happened to me and he said that it was so unbelievable that us little children were treated so badly by the nuns, he just could not believe it and how I survived though it. I couldn't walk on the same side of the street if a boy or man,

were on the same side as me. I would cross the road so as I would not see them.

 

What is wrong for wanting someone to hold my hand, give me a kiss and to say I Love You. Ever since I was a little girl, I waited for someone to take my hand, And to tell ME that I belong to them.

 

                      NIGHTMARES NOW.

 

My husband Brian has been vel)' patient with me, especial at night when I take nightmares. If I can't wake up he'll shake and talk to me until I am right again. The dreams I have are so bad sometimes that I wake up screaming and hitting Brian. I dream about the man's face at the window. To me it is real, as it was when I was a child. I also have nightmares about what the girls and nuns did to me.

 

Why is it that the innocent child suffers the most, when things like this are done to her. And later on in life, they come back to haunt her both day and night.

 

My nightmares have got worst since 1997, that Brian sleeps in another bedroom. It is really awful. I don't go to bed until after lam in the morning and then I can't sleep because I know that my nightmares will begin. I don't like them, it is the same thing evel)' night, over and over again.

 

                                 PAIN TODAY.


My headaches all the time this is because of the cupboard falling on top of me. My back and ears are bad as well, The pain never leaves me, it is a part of me now, my doctor told me that nothing can be done for my head or ears because they are old wounds.


I have been told all my life to put it aside, to forget about it. If they only knew how much I have tried to forget. I can't. I still get earaches and headaches everyday.

 

This is the simplest of reminders I have of the cruelty of my childhood years. My God! I want this pain to leave me. It hurts me.

What about my feelings?

Who can take my pain and hurt away from me?

It is all hidden and buried deep in my mind.

"Help me please Mary and Jesus. If not to forget, then to forgive them, like Jesus did on the cross. Your pain Mary, must have been so great, when you lost your son, that Friday. I now know how you felt. The feeling of emptiness of a lost child, is the greatest pain a mother can bear. You can never say good-bye. My son is still with me.